AF showed

Ironic isn't it. Just when I still have one day's hope left that I could be pregnant before my due date. Oh well, better she shows than doesn't show for another 30 days.

Cycle 1: 107 days
Cycle 2: 76 days
Cycle 3: 42 days

That's a pretty good downward trend of knocking off 30 days each time. Hopefully this time, AF knocks off 14 days and comes back at 28 days like normal. PUHLEEEEEZ let this be the cycle that regulates.

The blue one was today's picture and the orange one was from the beginning of my last cycle. SO much less depressing seeing only 42 days that it's guessing for my next cycle instead of 76. lol

But looking back at my temps, I may have actually ovulated... cool!

Due date

Two days from now (Dec 9) marks the due date for me and a friend from BBC who both miscarried.

It's not fair when I see new pregnancy announcements and think that I should be announcing the birth of my baby. There's 32 weeks of my life since the miscarriage that I will never get back. I will never get to meet this baby and I will never get to hold him/her.

There's babies everywhere and I just want one of my own so badly.

AF is still being a bitch and not showing her ugly face on her old schedule.

I didn't think it'd be this hard to get pregnant in 8 months but apparently when your period only comes every few months, it's almost impossible.

I've got no desire to have sex, therefore there is no way that I could be getting pregnant. I'm not a man, I can't go every other day for the rest of my life just hoping to catch the egg on the once in a blue moon time that I ovulate.

It's time to break out the birth control or clomid, either way I NEED my cycle back the way it was so I can track properly.

Funerals

My cousin's funeral was yesterday. It was so depressing and sad but there were so many people there. I heard stories about him that I'd never known. His other grandpa wrote a note for someone to read. It was so sweet. He used to ask, "Who's your favourite grandpa Victor?" and Tyler would answer (when he was really little), "Grandpa Gordon." Everyone howled. It was my favourite memory of the service.

They had an open casket but I couldn't bring myself to look.

My aunt was a mess but my dad says she's grieving well. Apparently she contacted the dealer who sold the drugs and told him that she was the mom of the boy who died and she wouldn't release his name to the police if he went to a counselor (specified by her)  and talked to her. He's already made contact and it's only been 8 days. My uncle is the one we're worried about right now because he's being strong for her and we don't know when he'll crash.

For so long, it was just three cousins on this side of the family and then 7 years ago, my mom's sister had a son and we became 4 cousins. It's hard to believe that we're just three again and we'll never be four again.

I don't have many recent memories of Tyler because it got harder to see him between all his classes and work after he graduated but he was an amazing guy.

His homestay brother from Korea, who lived with them for 5 years, managed to get leave from the Korean military (which isn't supposed to happen). He was heartbroken but I'm so glad that he could be there for them. They really needed him.

Ticker Love

This is what my desktop looks like right now :) I love my Windows 7 desktop gadgets.

Baby Making

Sadness

Is it okay that most of the time I'm sad but not crying?

With my grandpa he lived far, far away and therefore I was able to go about my day to day life without thinking about him dying. He wasn't a regular occurrence in my day to day life, therefore things weren't all that changed for me.

This cousin lived a 2 hour ferry ride (costs over $100 to go across and back) away. It's closer, but still not close enough that he was a regular occurrence in my day to day life as well.

What I'm saying, I guess, is that it feels wrong to not be really upset. I think I MAKE myself feel sadder by thinking about him, the same way I did with my grandpa. It just feels wrong.

Tragedy

Today is one of those days where life takes over all thoughts of TTC. My cousin Tyler died this morning in the hospital (we think) as a result of a drug overdose. I'm positive he wasn't a drug addict but this is still unreal. It's like something that happens in a TV show, not real life.

My family has more questions than answers at this point but from what we know, he asked his friend to take him to the hospital because he was feeling strange and on the way, he slipped into a coma. As far as I know, he never came out of his coma. 

He was 20 years old, an only child and one of only 4 first cousins I have in my entire family.

Below is a picture of me, my brother (tall in blue), my other cousin (little one) and Tyler. This was taken at my wedding. These are all the cousins on my mom's side of the family.

Can you imagine what it would be like to slip into a coma, or go to sleep and never wake up? I think this is a really depressing thought and all I can picture right now, is someone locked away in their body screaming but not being heard. I know this is probably not true, but where is he? Where is my cousin?