The bitch is back

Yes... the dreaded AF is back. She stayed away for 12 weeks. But really, the PP bleeding wasn't done for 6 weeks so I was only pad free for 6 weeks :/ Looking into getting the diva cup but at the moment, it hurts to use tampons. Well, maybe after using tampons, it won't hurt so much to have sex :/

Updated our story

Here's what I added:

SUMMARY OF THE BEGINNING OF LIFE FROM THE BEGINNING OF THIS BLOG UNTIL THE END OF FEB 2012

We got our first BFP on April 7 and it was a surprise. We were preventing with condoms but not hormonal birth control. The baby was a result of one single night of no protection. Yes, ladies, it can happen. I miscarried a few weeks later before hitting 8 weeks gestation. I struggled for a long time with it. My cycle was very irregular and went from a 28 day cycle before I got pregnant to a random all over the place cycle after. My first cycle lasted 107 days, the next one 76 days and the third 42 days. Those three cycles combined were about 8 months. On my fourth cycle, about 40 days in, I got my second BFP.

I'm currently writing this at almost 10 weeks along with this baby. We have heard the heart beat on our home doppler and seen it on an ultrasound. I'm very worried that I'll miscarry again but I'm trying to stay positive for stress' sake. I keep telling myself, we're past the point we miscarried last time and we've seen/heard the heartbeat and our chance of miscarriage are less than 5% right now. All the stories we read on BBC and faces of loss are women who's experienced it coming together to grieve together and that's why there seems to be more losses on sites like those.

Soreness?

Idk what I've talked about before and whether or not I've talked about things guys might not want to read.... but if you're male, you might want to stop reading... if there's any of you out there.

My boobs got sore today. I just realized it when I got in my PJ's it was not necessarily whole boob soreness that is like AF showing up but more the nipple soreness that I experienced that clued me in to something being different before I got my BFP last time. I'm HOPING that either AF will show soon if it's her knocking on the door or else I will test and actually get a BFP with my last HPT I have. I bought some from early-pregnancy-tests.com after my miscarriage because I knew I'd want to test. In 8.5 months of irregular periods I've used 2 OPKs (more to see if I was interpreting symptoms to be preg when they were actually ovulation) and 14/15 HPTs.

I'm hoping it's preg instead of AF but I'll monitor the soreness for a while. Maybe it's something I did recently that caused it, maybe it's AF, but either way I don't want to get my hopes up and get another negative HPT.

I'm hoping I just took my last test too early because it's just been 2 weeks since the last time we DTD (I got depressed and haven't let DH near me like that since that point).

Please send me lots of patience. I'll test sunday if the symptoms stick around.... If it's really AF, please wish for her to show up before sunday so I don't have to deal with another BFN... that's 14 BFN's in 8.5 months so far...

As a side note, I'm remembering some cramping recently but I just assumed it probably was food related.

Feeling really down

CD 33 and BFN this morning. I won't get my christmas rainbow baby.

I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm not a machine but in order to actually conceive (if I'm even having cycles where I ovulate), I'd basically need to start baby dancing when AF leaves and keep going until she shows again. I can't do it. It's too much for me.

I don't know if I want to take a break. I want a break from this heartache of AF not showing and irregular cycles. I know, though, if I were to take a break, every time we baby dance I'd be still hoping that we'd conceive. I'd basically need to go cold turkey. No baby dancing. It's not fun anymore because of all the depressing cycle business.

I'm seriously gonna go into the Dr. and demand he either talks to me about other options like clomid or puts me on BC to regulate AF. BBZfa if you're reading this, how long were you TTC before your Dr. put you on clomid? Did you ask him for it?

It's been 8 months, 1 week and 5 days since my miscarriage and I haven't stopped hoping every month for my rainbow baby.

On the upside, aside from wanting to cry because this is so stupid, I'm glad I have a little longer to try get further below 200. Maybe if I get far enough below it, I won't have to go back up into the 200's when I get pregnant.

Prenatal Vitamins

It's not supposed to be this way :( I started my prenatals when I got preg in March and the bottle is almost empty and I'm still not pregnant, nor do I have a baby...

*Sad face*

Still hopeful for this month, but I don't know if my cycle is gonna be normal. AF at her 28 days (which she hasn't been lately) would be due around Jan 7th, so I'll probably test around then. I didn't find out until 5 weeks last time so I can't remember what I felt like at 4 weeks... If I were to wait and make it to 5 weeks, I'd probably know...

I just keep dreaming, every time I dream, about pregnancy or babies. Some people might call that a sign. But for me it's just like, "Don't get your hopes up. AF could show up in 50 days still since she's so irregular."

It's been exactly 8 months since my miscarriage.

AF showed

Ironic isn't it. Just when I still have one day's hope left that I could be pregnant before my due date. Oh well, better she shows than doesn't show for another 30 days.

Cycle 1: 107 days
Cycle 2: 76 days
Cycle 3: 42 days

That's a pretty good downward trend of knocking off 30 days each time. Hopefully this time, AF knocks off 14 days and comes back at 28 days like normal. PUHLEEEEEZ let this be the cycle that regulates.

The blue one was today's picture and the orange one was from the beginning of my last cycle. SO much less depressing seeing only 42 days that it's guessing for my next cycle instead of 76. lol

But looking back at my temps, I may have actually ovulated... cool!

Due date

Two days from now (Dec 9) marks the due date for me and a friend from BBC who both miscarried.

It's not fair when I see new pregnancy announcements and think that I should be announcing the birth of my baby. There's 32 weeks of my life since the miscarriage that I will never get back. I will never get to meet this baby and I will never get to hold him/her.

There's babies everywhere and I just want one of my own so badly.

AF is still being a bitch and not showing her ugly face on her old schedule.

I didn't think it'd be this hard to get pregnant in 8 months but apparently when your period only comes every few months, it's almost impossible.

I've got no desire to have sex, therefore there is no way that I could be getting pregnant. I'm not a man, I can't go every other day for the rest of my life just hoping to catch the egg on the once in a blue moon time that I ovulate.

It's time to break out the birth control or clomid, either way I NEED my cycle back the way it was so I can track properly.

Dr. appt again

I had another doctor's appointment today.

My blood work came back all normal. I kinda wish it had come back abnormal so that I would know why my cycle is not normal.

He seems to be sure that things will regulate soon... I wish I had his confidence...

Oh, and also... he tells me not to get stressed out... Boss is coming back to work after Remembrance Day probably. I'm sure that I'm going to be one of the first people she comes to check in with. I'm not excited about that.

Edited: Forgot this part

He asked me if I had a way to track ovulation. I told him I had an app that tracks temperature and cervical mucus. It sounded gross saying it out loud haha. I love ovuview!

Losing a battle

I feel like my miscarriage made me lose out on the last 8 months of what my life could have been. I still feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and losing month after month of my life. It's really upsetting to think that if I were still pregnant I would have a baby in a month and a week.

I want to move on from this. I want AF to show regularly so I can feel like for once in the last 8 months, I'm winning a battle.

I know when I get pregnant again I will feel cheated. It will almost 100% be in 2012 or later and it's just not fair. I've lived through knowing I was pregnant and going through the next 8 months of my life. I will have to re-live an entire pregnancy. Why don't I get rewarded for it? Why is there no baby for me? Why do I have to do a do-over?

P.S. AF is so unregular. Light pink tinge Thursday night. A bit on the TP Fri morning and almost nothing throughout yesterday and a bit on the TP this morning. I would think that if my body is going to regulate itself without medical help that it would start with a regular AF (my last one in Aug was normalish for me).

It was AF

Seems to be a full blown visit from Aunt Flo today.

The depressing part about it is this...

... my app seems to think my next cycle will be 76 days as well.

I'm going to my Dr. on Tuesday and telling him that AF showed but I'd still like to go on BC if nothing seems to point towards ovulation by 3 weeks in. We were thinking I'd need to go on some sort of anti anxiety medication or something earlier in the year and my dad deals with medication for similar things. It gets depressing not knowing anything about my cycle. If I go on BC, even for two months, it would still get me regular (probably) in less time than this last ONE cycle took.

IB or AF?

If IB happens a few days after ovulation (and therefore BD) it would be pretty good timing now if this pinkish tinge is IB. I haven't noticed any EWCM lately so I really think this is AF. I can still keep my fingers crossed though.

Cycle one after MC was 107 days counting from the day my MC was confirmed (April 28).
Cycle two so far is 76 days. I'm hoping this is IB but AF would be okay too.

Cycle 2...

Technically we're on cycle #2 of TTC, yet we've been TTC since my M/C which was almost 5.5 months ago. This is getting stupid. I'm hoping that this is the cycle that either gets us pregnant again or this is the cycle that starts me back on a normal 29 day cycle.

Apparently, with my temperature changes, my app thinks that I was fertile recently, but we'll see what happens there. That would mean that I'm in the TWW and should be expecting AF, or a BFP within a week.

KMFX

Signs so far are point towards ovulation. KMFX that AF shows or I get a BFP :)

Severe lack of drive

I have like no libido right now. It's bad. My cycle still isn't regular and no signs of approaching ovulation that it depresses me and I have no desire to have sex.

Three months ago...

... I wouldn't have been okay with AF showing up after my miscarriage. However, I was totally ready for her now.

I'm thankful that my cramps aren't as bad as the ones three months ago. That would be mentally painful.

Well...

... my suspicions were correct. Not the way I had hoped, however, but it's a start. AF showed up yesterday. Time to get down to the temping and opks... Just gotta read into exactly how to use them :)

Suspicions...

I'm positive that I will either get a positive test or AF within two weeks. Kmfx!!!

Feeling positive = jinx?

Well I'm feeling positive about things right now given some signs. I feel like either AF should show in the next 2 weeks or I might be pregnant before that. I'm hoping that I'm not jinxing myself by feeling positive.

What the Dr. said

He wasn't worried that it's been three months since my mc with no sign of AF. He told me to give it 6 weeks and then he will put me on BC to make AF show up.

Dr. appt

I have a Dr. appt today to let him know about my non existent cycle. I hope he has something he can give me to jumpstart it. It's getting depressing knowing there's NO chance of being pregnant and I was hoping to get pregnant this summer at the latest, putting me at a April/May due date but it doesn't look like that will happen.