Feeling really down

CD 33 and BFN this morning. I won't get my christmas rainbow baby.

I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm not a machine but in order to actually conceive (if I'm even having cycles where I ovulate), I'd basically need to start baby dancing when AF leaves and keep going until she shows again. I can't do it. It's too much for me.

I don't know if I want to take a break. I want a break from this heartache of AF not showing and irregular cycles. I know, though, if I were to take a break, every time we baby dance I'd be still hoping that we'd conceive. I'd basically need to go cold turkey. No baby dancing. It's not fun anymore because of all the depressing cycle business.

I'm seriously gonna go into the Dr. and demand he either talks to me about other options like clomid or puts me on BC to regulate AF. BBZfa if you're reading this, how long were you TTC before your Dr. put you on clomid? Did you ask him for it?

It's been 8 months, 1 week and 5 days since my miscarriage and I haven't stopped hoping every month for my rainbow baby.

On the upside, aside from wanting to cry because this is so stupid, I'm glad I have a little longer to try get further below 200. Maybe if I get far enough below it, I won't have to go back up into the 200's when I get pregnant.

Really sad

I'm feeling really sad right now. It's probably my own fault for looking at baby things and baby blogs all evening but I haven't felt this down about my miscarriage in a long time. I went through Christmas with barely a thought to it and now I'm sitting here in tears.

:'(

I'm also starting to doubt that I actually saw EWCM since my temp hasn't jumped or anything.

Stress

I'm stressed out about work starting tomorrow. I haven't felt this scared and anxious about something in so long.

I'm worried that through temping I will find out that I don't O often and that I have anovulatory cycles. I'm stressed about that and I know stressing about that makes it more likely that my cycle won't be regular.

I feel so messed up.

Depressed

I'm feeling so depressed and stressed out about work. I'm not supposed to be this stressed out at the end of the work year. I have half a day left tomorrow and then it's summer. I've got to have some tough conversations tomorrow so that I don't have all this stress weighing down on me.

An ally

You don't realize how important it is to feel like you have an ally at work until you feel like you don't have one. I thought I was okay with one lady I work with, but after hearing comments from my bosses today, I'm not so sure.

These last two weeks have just been dishing me all I can handle. I've definitely had some bad thoughts and I don't know, maybe I will revisit the idea of perhaps needing anti-depressants or something with my doctor. I mean, there has to be some reason that people are finding me rude and distant when I don't feel like I am, right?

Just a lovely load to be dumped on me right at the end of the school year.