Feeling really down

CD 33 and BFN this morning. I won't get my christmas rainbow baby.

I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm not a machine but in order to actually conceive (if I'm even having cycles where I ovulate), I'd basically need to start baby dancing when AF leaves and keep going until she shows again. I can't do it. It's too much for me.

I don't know if I want to take a break. I want a break from this heartache of AF not showing and irregular cycles. I know, though, if I were to take a break, every time we baby dance I'd be still hoping that we'd conceive. I'd basically need to go cold turkey. No baby dancing. It's not fun anymore because of all the depressing cycle business.

I'm seriously gonna go into the Dr. and demand he either talks to me about other options like clomid or puts me on BC to regulate AF. BBZfa if you're reading this, how long were you TTC before your Dr. put you on clomid? Did you ask him for it?

It's been 8 months, 1 week and 5 days since my miscarriage and I haven't stopped hoping every month for my rainbow baby.

On the upside, aside from wanting to cry because this is so stupid, I'm glad I have a little longer to try get further below 200. Maybe if I get far enough below it, I won't have to go back up into the 200's when I get pregnant.