Really sad

I'm feeling really sad right now. It's probably my own fault for looking at baby things and baby blogs all evening but I haven't felt this down about my miscarriage in a long time. I went through Christmas with barely a thought to it and now I'm sitting here in tears.

:'(

I'm also starting to doubt that I actually saw EWCM since my temp hasn't jumped or anything.

New blog I started reading

I found a new blog to follow off the top mommy blogs. Here is the link to it. Some awesome things I've found on this blog are:

"One idea I read about a while ago was to gather everyone for a picture and right before the picture is taken say "your name here, is pregnant!". That way you catch all of the reactions on camera. Great keepsake."

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Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

EWCM

Those of you TTC know what this is :)

I saw EWCM for the first time in 9 months (since we conceived the first time).

So stoked. This might actually maybe be my month...

Def making sure that I take my temp every morning. Hoping to see that jump upwards!

Prenatal Vitamins

It's not supposed to be this way :( I started my prenatals when I got preg in March and the bottle is almost empty and I'm still not pregnant, nor do I have a baby...

*Sad face*

Still hopeful for this month, but I don't know if my cycle is gonna be normal. AF at her 28 days (which she hasn't been lately) would be due around Jan 7th, so I'll probably test around then. I didn't find out until 5 weeks last time so I can't remember what I felt like at 4 weeks... If I were to wait and make it to 5 weeks, I'd probably know...

I just keep dreaming, every time I dream, about pregnancy or babies. Some people might call that a sign. But for me it's just like, "Don't get your hopes up. AF could show up in 50 days still since she's so irregular."

It's been exactly 8 months since my miscarriage.

Camera!!!!!!

They had a great boxing day deal on my camera I wanted so I bought it, plus an external flash. It's so awesome!! It was still $1300 after taxes and the external flash which was 50% off and still $200 so I owe our bank account back $725 but that's okay :)

Here's a two example pictures of some of the first ones I took.

(below) with built in camera flash

(below) with external flash pointed at the dog

(below) with external flash pointed upwards

Here's some of my favourites. I posted them on FB and linked from there so the quality isn't as good.

(above) zoom lens from across the house

50 Q's

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
my middle name is Kathleen after my mom and great grandma on her side.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
I don't remember. That's a pretty unusual thing with this TTC roller coaster.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
not much. I like how it's still neat considering I don't write with the right grip.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
ham

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
no but trying

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
yeah, I'd probably get annoyed with myself though

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
sometimes

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
yes

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
I don't think so

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
WW oatmeal probably, so easy to take with you anywhere

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
nope

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
physically no, mentally, who knows...

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
peanut butter cup or cookie dough

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
their face

15. RED OR PINK?
pink

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
my skin

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Megan and my grandma in CA

18. WHAT IS THE PAUL MCKENNA TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST?
who's that?

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
none

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
pizza

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Family Guy

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
turquoise

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
baking

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
my mom

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
hideaway on a ski resport

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
hockey during the playoffs

27. HAIR COLOR?
reddish blonde

28. EYE COLOR?
blue/green

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
glasses

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
pizza

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
happy endings

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
I don't remember

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
white

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
both, in small doses

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
hugs mostly

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
cheesecake, or something with peanut butter and chocolate

37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
both

38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
computer

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Sing Me Home by Jodi Picoult

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
the razer symbol

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
my dog prancing through the house when he's called

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
beatles because I don't know of anything by the rolling stones off hand

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
either Quebec or Mexico (from BC)

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
super willpower? lol

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Langley, BC

47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
still in BC

48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
brown? maybe?

49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?
orange

50. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 50 QUESTIONS?
yeah, it's something to do.

Christmas Prezzies!

STOCKING:

1. chocolate peanut butter crisps

2. candy canes cherry flavoured

3. silly string (this was fun!)

4. 17 Again DVD

5. crispers salt and vinegar and Josh's BBQ

6. starlight mints

7. cookie scooper (scoop dough, then squeeze and the dough gets scraped off onto the cookie sheet)

8. sticky LED light for anywhere

9. Qoola frozen yogurt bar gift card

10. rubber twist ties

11. water bottle carrier

12. toblerone (and Josh's)

13. suckers with santa/rudolph etc

14. nose studs

15. Reese big cups!

16. egg timer (Josh's but I'll use it more :P)

17. chocolate letter A

CHRISTMAS EVE:

18. ornament with silk Santa from 1908, stamped with sparkly year 2011 (from M+D)

19. yahtzee flash game (from Elvis :P)

20. sparkly snowman ornament (from Nanny in CA)

CHRISTMAS DAY:

21. Diablo II (to Josh from Elvis)

22. Pick two (like quickie scrabble or bananagrams) (from Josh/Elvis)

23. Corpse Bride (from Elvis to us)

24. Destined book (from Bry)

25. salted caramels (from Satan... cuz you know, only Satan would give us chocolate when we're both on weight watchers lol)

26. the Hunger Games trilogy (from Josh/Elvis)

27. Grey's Anatomy season 1 (from Bry)

28. truffles (from Santa/M+D)

29. Planet 51 (from Elvis to us)

30. Just Dance 3 (from M+D)

CHRISTMAS DAY (CONT):

31. turquoisey short sleeved sweater (from Nanny in CA)

32. poofy knitted scarf (from Nannie and Bapa in BC)

33. soap (from Nannie and Bapa in BC)

34. scarf and gloves (from Nannie and Bapa in BC)

35. Precious Moment (from Candy in NV)

36. Magic Eye Calendar (from Josh/Elvis)

37. Bezzerwizzer board game (from Elvis) 

38. knitted necklace (from Nannie and Bapa in BC)

CHRISTMAS DAY CONT:

39. T-Fal Actifry (fries food with 1 spoon of oil) (from Josh)

40. D-Link Network thingy (from M+D) (will let us have a landline)

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone out there has a great christmas!

4444444444

4 Places you have lived (not current):
Prince George, BC

Langley, BC

Fort St. John, BC

Fort Nelson, BC

4 Movies you have watched more than once?
Mulan <3

The Back Up Plan

Wall-E

Tangled <3

4 Jobs you have had:
crew at Wendy's

staff at HMCS Quadra SCSTC

special education assistant/deaf blind intervenor

special education assistant/braillist (current)

4 Places you have been that your remember vividly:
Disneyland!

Victoriaville, QC

Reno, NV

Murrieta, CA

4 favorite foods:
mac and cheese

pizza

lasagna

hot dogs!

4 favorite foods since losing weight:
mac and cheese (high fiber)

whistle dogs (thin bun, chicken weiner, FF singles, bacon)

WW cinnamon crisps

cheese rice crackers with 98% FF processed chicken

4 Unique things others may not know about you:
my favourite number is 4

my husband is 5 years older than me

my nose is pierced and I have 2 holes in each lower ear lobe and 1 on the upper right cartilage 

I despise stupid people at the stores at christmas. I get sooo frustrated with all the people there just trying to do their own thing.

4 favorite TV shows:
90210

Grey's Anatomy

Desperate Housewives

Make It or Break It

4 places you would love to be right now:
Disneyland

Reno, NV

Murrieta, CA

at Valcartier Tubing place in QC

4 things you hope to accomplish in the next 4 months:
lose at least 20lbs

get pregnant (it will probably be either #1 or #2, and I'd prefer this one)
find exercise I enjoy

get a waterproof mp3 player (or an iPod nano) and put audiobooks on it (to use in a gym or in the pool)

Share your answers with me if you have time. I am always interested in learning more about you!

Quote

My mom said today, after missing a call from my dad while we were getting fro yo,

"I couldn't feel the phone vibrate because it was too noisy."

LOL Mom, you truly are blonde... haha

Giveaway

Liz @ Barefoot, FINALLY Pregnant and in the Kitchen is running a giveaway for an Anne Geddes book. Check it out and enter to win!

When I get pregnant again...

...I'm gonna tell my husband by posting a Lilypie ticker on his computer desktop and see how long it takes him to notice. Doesn't that sound awesome?

Something similar to this, but with a baby ticker :)

Quote

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

Albert Einstein

Camera Fund

My camera fund currently has $200.
The camera I want is about $800 on sale, including one lens and a bag for it.
Total including HST = about $900

So I have $200/$900.
My husband MIGHT be forcing me to add his christmas bonus to my fund so my total would be:
$400/$900

That's almost half :)

Here's the links to the camera I want on bestbuy.ca
Camera with lens only
Camera with lens and bag

Camera

I think I've figured out which camera I want now!! :)

The Canon Rebel T3I :) It's 18 MP and super easy to use. It feels so amazing in my hands. I don't know much else about cameras except that most of the pictures on this site were taken with an older model of Canon Rebel and I've been admiring her pictures for a long time.

From canon.ca

From bestbuy.ca

Accessories I want:

Accessory Kit with case and LP-E8 battery pack

Guide to the T3I

Shoot sac

32 GB memory card (might as well get a big one since I'll be taking lots of pictures)

Pictures of Christmas Tree

Ok first things first, this is not my tree... secondly, here is the link to the blog where they're posted. I hope I'm not breaking any rules she might have by posting them, but I hope that if I am, she'll forgive me since I'm gonna post how much I love her blog!

"I love her blog so much!" <--- see :)

These pictures (I think) are taken with the camera I want which is a Canon Rebel and on slow shutter speed.

It starts... I hope

And today marks the beginning of our EOD baby dancing that will (HOPEFULLY) last only 10 days or so.

Pray for me that this can be a regular cycle. It's emotionally draining and depressing for them not to be regular.

At this point, the way my cycle has been, I wouldn't know when to take a PG test. If I were to get PG I might make it to like 7 weeks and FINALLY find out at that point I'm pregnant or even later... idk when to expect AF again.

5 things to be happy about...

5. The mom aged women I work with (my mom, not like young able-to-be mom aged) are mostly all done having kids so I don't have to deal with pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement.

4. My dog. He makes me laugh all the time.

3. My husband. He's so awesome and he brings me treats or video games. He loves to buy me things.

2. My cycle seems to be getting shorter. Here's hoping this is my month... It would be cool to go through things with BBzfa :)

AND

1. It's christmas break! No work for 2 weeks.

Happiness for a fellow blogger!

Go here and read a post by BBzfa!!

So happy for her. I'm so jealous, but I can be really happy because I still have hope for 2011.

DIY: French Tips

I painted these myself. This is the result of Sally Hansen Nail Effects for three weeks straight to let my nails grow without being chewed. And now I don't chew them anymore.

I painted the tips white myself and put Sally Hansen Diamond Strength Platinum over top. It gives a pearl-y shimmer to the nails. My hubby loves it :)

I think they look especially awesome for my first time AND for being someone with shaky hands xD my left hand even looks okay and I'm left handed.

25lbs gone forever!!!!

Prayers

I pray every day that God will send my AF back regular so we can start tracking and temping properly. I can't take this BD EOD FOREVER crap. I don't have the stamina.

I pray every day that God will give me a healthy happy pregnancy for my next one. I don't think I can emotionally go through another miscarriage.

I pray every day to be pregnant soon or to be given the patience to get through another month of trying.

7.5 months is a long time especially when I technically have only had (MAX) 3 chances to conceive.

Are you flipping serious?!

http://christwire.org/2011/12/oh-canada%E2%80%A6why-god-hates-you/

Just click it. The writer is an 80 year old lady claiming to be christian. WTF

In Loving Memory

Holiday Questionnaire

Holiday Questionnaire from Becky!

1. Egg nog or hot chocolate? hot chocolate. I dislike egg nog GREATLY. But really, I prefer chocolate milk to hot chocolate anyways. I'm a cold drink kind of person, not hot.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? "Santa" wraps a few when we've got extra gifts for someone or for a group of someones and we don't care about signing for em. The dog also gives gifts too xD

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Coloured. White lights are LAME! haha. We got a fake tree this year because we borrowed our tree from my parents last year. It's 7.5 feet tall, with coloured lights (including PURPLE!) and it's beautiful. Plus it only cost $160 and my parents paid $100 of that.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? Never have. Idk what it looks like in real life.

5. When do you put your decorations up? Black friday or that weekend. My dad and husband are from the U.S. so it's unacceptable to put them up before Thanksgiving.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? I don't like christmas dinner, so I guess I don't really have one. I'm a pasta person, not a meat/veggies person so I eat small bits of christmas and thanksgiving dinners.

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child? Christmases in California :)

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I don't remember really. I don't remember it be traumatic or anything I just remember not being allowed to say Santa wasn't real because my cousins still really believed in him for years after that.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Yeah, my grandparents in California always gave us an ornament for the tree and we open that on Christmas Eve. We might open another one if someone particularily wants us to.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? All our ornaments we've gotten over the years as well as some we've bought. None of this matching colour crap for us xD

11. Snow! Love it or dread it? Love it. But my city gets stupid when we have it. We don't get much snow being surrounded by ocean  so when it shows up, no one knows how to drive. Usually we end up with snow for about a week each year and it doesn't always show up at christmas.

12. Can you ice skate? I can not fall down. But skate? I guess a bit.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? I remember getting a razer scooter when I was younger. That same year my brother got a gameboy colour and I was so happy for my scooter because I already had a gameboy colour because for once I had saved my money. The gift was more than just a gift, it was proof that I can save money if I really tried.

14. What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you? Being with family.

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? Fudge! Chocolate fudge made with marshmallow cream. Although after last night I might have to change my mind. My friend made this amazing millionaire shortbread that I'm gonna get the recipe to!

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? 

17. What tops your tree? Last year was a star but this year will probably be an angel since the star is kinda ugly and it outweighs the top branch on the tree. I'm gonna grab a $15 non light up angel from Wal Mart probably. I saw some that I really loved last time I was there.

18. Which do you prefer: giving or receiving? Usually giving, unless I had a hard time with gift ideas for someone. If I've got a really awesome gift idea, I'm excited about giving a ton more.

19. Candy canes: yuck or yum? Yum in almost all flavours too!

20. Favorite Christmas show? Holiday Inn I think

21. Saddest Christmas song? Christmas Shoes

22. What is your favorite Christmas song? Grown Up Christmas List

23. Do you use an Advent calendar? Only a chocolate one, if someone buys it for me. My family had one I loved when I was younger but I don't know where it is now.

24. Do you go to church on Christmas? Christmas Eve usually

25. What were your Christmas morning rules as a kid? Stockings before breakfast and one present. Then everything else after breakfast and showers

(My question) 26. Fake or real tree? Fake for now. Real when we have kids old enough to appreciate it.

If you have any interesting answers to questions, leave them in the comments! or link up if you do the questionnaire on your blog!

AF showed

Ironic isn't it. Just when I still have one day's hope left that I could be pregnant before my due date. Oh well, better she shows than doesn't show for another 30 days.

Cycle 1: 107 days
Cycle 2: 76 days
Cycle 3: 42 days

That's a pretty good downward trend of knocking off 30 days each time. Hopefully this time, AF knocks off 14 days and comes back at 28 days like normal. PUHLEEEEEZ let this be the cycle that regulates.

The blue one was today's picture and the orange one was from the beginning of my last cycle. SO much less depressing seeing only 42 days that it's guessing for my next cycle instead of 76. lol

But looking back at my temps, I may have actually ovulated... cool!

Due date

Two days from now (Dec 9) marks the due date for me and a friend from BBC who both miscarried.

It's not fair when I see new pregnancy announcements and think that I should be announcing the birth of my baby. There's 32 weeks of my life since the miscarriage that I will never get back. I will never get to meet this baby and I will never get to hold him/her.

There's babies everywhere and I just want one of my own so badly.

AF is still being a bitch and not showing her ugly face on her old schedule.

I didn't think it'd be this hard to get pregnant in 8 months but apparently when your period only comes every few months, it's almost impossible.

I've got no desire to have sex, therefore there is no way that I could be getting pregnant. I'm not a man, I can't go every other day for the rest of my life just hoping to catch the egg on the once in a blue moon time that I ovulate.

It's time to break out the birth control or clomid, either way I NEED my cycle back the way it was so I can track properly.

Funerals

My cousin's funeral was yesterday. It was so depressing and sad but there were so many people there. I heard stories about him that I'd never known. His other grandpa wrote a note for someone to read. It was so sweet. He used to ask, "Who's your favourite grandpa Victor?" and Tyler would answer (when he was really little), "Grandpa Gordon." Everyone howled. It was my favourite memory of the service.

They had an open casket but I couldn't bring myself to look.

My aunt was a mess but my dad says she's grieving well. Apparently she contacted the dealer who sold the drugs and told him that she was the mom of the boy who died and she wouldn't release his name to the police if he went to a counselor (specified by her)  and talked to her. He's already made contact and it's only been 8 days. My uncle is the one we're worried about right now because he's being strong for her and we don't know when he'll crash.

For so long, it was just three cousins on this side of the family and then 7 years ago, my mom's sister had a son and we became 4 cousins. It's hard to believe that we're just three again and we'll never be four again.

I don't have many recent memories of Tyler because it got harder to see him between all his classes and work after he graduated but he was an amazing guy.

His homestay brother from Korea, who lived with them for 5 years, managed to get leave from the Korean military (which isn't supposed to happen). He was heartbroken but I'm so glad that he could be there for them. They really needed him.

Ticker Love

This is what my desktop looks like right now :) I love my Windows 7 desktop gadgets.

Baby Making

Sadness

Is it okay that most of the time I'm sad but not crying?

With my grandpa he lived far, far away and therefore I was able to go about my day to day life without thinking about him dying. He wasn't a regular occurrence in my day to day life, therefore things weren't all that changed for me.

This cousin lived a 2 hour ferry ride (costs over $100 to go across and back) away. It's closer, but still not close enough that he was a regular occurrence in my day to day life as well.

What I'm saying, I guess, is that it feels wrong to not be really upset. I think I MAKE myself feel sadder by thinking about him, the same way I did with my grandpa. It just feels wrong.

Tragedy

Today is one of those days where life takes over all thoughts of TTC. My cousin Tyler died this morning in the hospital (we think) as a result of a drug overdose. I'm positive he wasn't a drug addict but this is still unreal. It's like something that happens in a TV show, not real life.

My family has more questions than answers at this point but from what we know, he asked his friend to take him to the hospital because he was feeling strange and on the way, he slipped into a coma. As far as I know, he never came out of his coma. 

He was 20 years old, an only child and one of only 4 first cousins I have in my entire family.

Below is a picture of me, my brother (tall in blue), my other cousin (little one) and Tyler. This was taken at my wedding. These are all the cousins on my mom's side of the family.

Can you imagine what it would be like to slip into a coma, or go to sleep and never wake up? I think this is a really depressing thought and all I can picture right now, is someone locked away in their body screaming but not being heard. I know this is probably not true, but where is he? Where is my cousin?

Blogger's Giveaway

A fellow blogger is having a giveaway. Follow this link to her blog and win $10 towards an etsy shop with custom baby onesies and other adorable things.

Breaking Dawn Part 1

Loved it. I thought the imprinting with Jacob and Renesmee was so sweet looking and the fight between the wolves and vampires was intense.

Josh was all sad when there were tender moments between Edward and Bella during her pregnancy.

All in all, great ending I think. It was the perfect place to end. They still have Renesmee growing up and the Volturi visit to put in the 2nd movie.

I remember the apple from Twilight and how it was in the movies but I don't remember the New Moon flower or the Eclipse red ribbon. As for the chess, Bella and Edward played a lot of chess on their honeymoon... white and red. Interesting set.

Nursery Theme?

I found a nursery theme that I think I might like. This can tie in all sorts of colours instead of having the colour be the theme. Ready for it?

What do you think?

I'm excited about all the possibilities for this :)