Is it okay that most of the time I'm sad but not crying?
With my grandpa he lived far, far away and therefore I was able to go about my day to day life without thinking about him dying. He wasn't a regular occurrence in my day to day life, therefore things weren't all that changed for me.
This cousin lived a 2 hour ferry ride (costs over $100 to go across and back) away. It's closer, but still not close enough that he was a regular occurrence in my day to day life as well.
What I'm saying, I guess, is that it feels wrong to not be really upset. I think I MAKE myself feel sadder by thinking about him, the same way I did with my grandpa. It just feels wrong.