Monday, 9 January 2012

Feeling really down

CD 33 and BFN this morning. I won't get my christmas rainbow baby.

I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm not a machine but in order to actually conceive (if I'm even having cycles where I ovulate), I'd basically need to start baby dancing when AF leaves and keep going until she shows again. I can't do it. It's too much for me.

I don't know if I want to take a break. I want a break from this heartache of AF not showing and irregular cycles. I know, though, if I were to take a break, every time we baby dance I'd be still hoping that we'd conceive. I'd basically need to go cold turkey. No baby dancing. It's not fun anymore because of all the depressing cycle business.

I'm seriously gonna go into the Dr. and demand he either talks to me about other options like clomid or puts me on BC to regulate AF. BBZfa if you're reading this, how long were you TTC before your Dr. put you on clomid? Did you ask him for it?

It's been 8 months, 1 week and 5 days since my miscarriage and I haven't stopped hoping every month for my rainbow baby.

On the upside, aside from wanting to cry because this is so stupid, I'm glad I have a little longer to try get further below 200. Maybe if I get far enough below it, I won't have to go back up into the 200's when I get pregnant.


  1. You still have a few months to get your Christmas baby!

  2. I meant a christmas conception. I know I've got until mid march-mid april to conceive so my due date will be before christmas though. Before my miscarriage I was due Dec 9th.

  3. I know just how you feel so here is my timeline of how it went down. It may be overly detailed, but I hope something helps.

    So I went off birth control around March 2011 thinking it would just happen. Before marrying DM I had had some pain on my left side and as one of the perks of being married/engaged to a physician is some good contacts. He arranged for me asap to see our friend B who is a radiologist and I got an ultrasound that showed that I had a cyst on my ovary and a possibly bicornuate (heart shaped) uterus. We went into trying with the idea that if we had issues it would probably be attributed to my oddly shaped uterus, and that would be something to look into further.

    After coming off birth control I was SO irregular. I was convinced I had been a 28 day before, and jumping around 33-35 days was distressing for me. I started recording the first day of my period in my planner and it seemed to regulate at about 35 days eventually. Boy was I wrong. After the 8th month of trying I was having lows of depression and highs of optimisms and the baby dance was starting to become a horrible chore (horrible!)

    My girlfriend J who just had a baby a year ago and is a peds neurologist was really helpful listener. I told her about my uterus and she was like 'that is a a non-issue, I had it too.' Which put me at ease, but confused me as to the reason even more. So then one day (I think around the time we went to Hawaii) I sat down and circled the first day of my cycle on a calendar that shows the whole year on one page, and that is when I realize I was no where close to regulated on a 35 day cycle! I was pretty irregular by a few days here and there- hovering around 35 days.

    DM and I had talked about clomid before, but he was hesitant to think about it because I only (apparently- this is doctor talk) had 1 of the 2 out of 3 indicators of poly cystic ovaries (PCO's) even though I had a cystic ovary ultrasound. He was going on my insistence I had been regular pre-birth control, but now he had serious doubts. He also had some blood tests of mine from around the time of the ultrasound that showed a similar phenomenon.

    By this time we had gotten our friend G to take over as my physician and send a referral to a fertility clinic, so I had been getting the required blood tests before they would see me. We figured that while we waited to get in we would try the clomid thing since it would probably be the first thing that they would try too as it is a pretty common first line of defense. I was given a basic prescription (By either DM or G I can't remember) based on the literature of 1 (50g I think) tablet for 5 days on days 5-9 of my cycle.

    I did my first cycle in November and got my period on day 31. It was frustrating not knowing if it was regulated because I had only one cycle to go of, and I didn't really know when to take a HP test but I held out and my period did come so I was even more frustrated. Either way I calculated my ovulation for the next round cycle based on a 31 days cycle and we were VERY diligent about our baby dance several days before recommended and also after - just in case because we weren't sure if this was regulated or not.

  4. I guess my cycle of clomid in December must have done the trick and my ovulation calculated around the right time because we got pregnant the second time around. I should also point out that during the blood test I was taking for our referral to the fertility specialist, DM also had a sperm analysis done which showed that was not an issue. It really helped knowing we weren't dealing with double issues and that we could focus on me and not worry about him. I would highly recommend you ask for a few things of your doctor.

    a) a referral to a fertility clinic
    b) a sperm analysis if it isn't already required in the referral
    c) record your first day of your cycle for the last few months on a calendar where you can see it all on one page and see what is up (I know you already have some idea you are irregular)
    d) and finally the possibility of Clomid for you while you wait for the appointment at the clinic

    Wow, I hope that wasn't too long winded. Let me know if you have any other questions. I read all your posts so I will see it eventually.

    Keep your head up. It will be worth it.

  5. Clomid isn't always a "baby in a bottle", but your irregular cycles are likely a sign of an underlying hormone issue that needs to be addressed. I'm sure Clomid will eventually be prescribed, but should only be done after you get more diagnostic blood work done... I did 7 rounds of Clomid for late ovulation, 3 of those rounds were with IUI and none worked. Turns out my thyroid was out of whack and likely causing me to O late! If we would have started out treating that we could have avoided a lot of heartache... It's definitely never too soon to talk to your doctor if you suspect something is wrong! Good luck! :)

  6. I'm finding it's a horrible chore for me now too.

    I think if we ever took a break from TTC I would need to abstain completely so that I wouldn't go nuts with hope that I might get pregnant.

    I'm gonna ask about a fertility clinic definitely. I'm guessing DH's spermies are fine since we conceived on an oops while using condoms every other time. I know exactly how many days my cycles have been lately.
    1. 107 days
    2. 76 days
    3. 42 days
    4. going on 34 days

    I've already had my hormones checked. I'll mention it to him in case the panel he had done didn't cover some other possibilities.