Nerve wracking week ahead

Tomorrow marks week 7 of this pregnancy.

Last time week 7 was Good Friday. That evening I started spotting. I was okay and the bleeding slowed on Saturday. Then Sunday and Monday I layed around the house as the bleeding was stronger and I was really crampy. Monday we went to the ER where they couldn't tell me much except my HCG levels. I went in for bloodwork on Wednesday and found out Thursday that I was definitely miscarrying. All this before I hit 8 weeks of my pregnancy.

So here's to hoping history doesn't repeat itself.

Too many people

DH had to tell MIL yesterday because his grandma was going in for surgery and he wanted to make sure she had something to fight for. She's okay now, out of surgery, out of the ICU and on the cardiac floor. She was having irregular heart rhythms and such.

But, I'm really irritated. He told MIL and told her not to tell. She told SIL. We had only told my parents and he told one work guy and I told 1 (and one guessed). Last time we were PG, she blurted to SIL as soon as we told her, like yelled across the house. Our news to tell.... His aunt knows too, but that's because she was in the room when he told his grandma and mom.

But then because SIL heard it from MIL, she was upset that he didn't tell her. So DH, like an idiot, promises (at SIL's request) to tell earlier next time... Yeah, not going to happen. I understand with everything going on with his grandma he didn't want to bring up drama that would upset her but he should never have promised. He tried to explain that the reason he didn't tell was because it was really hard to untell when we miscarried last time. It seemed like she didn't get it.

So I now am going to make sure that they are aware that it is our news to share when we want to. Because they found out before I was ready to tell, I told DH that I will not be on the phone with anyone about this pregnancy until I'm ready. I will not become a walking talking incubator yet. I am still Allyssa, not just a pregnant person. If things get heated, I'm gonna be telling them something along these lines:

It's an intimate action between DH and I that caused the baby.
The baby is IN my body.
The baby will be coming out through MY vagina.

Why should anyone feel like they should know anything before we're ready.

On a side note, I'm really not looking forward to telling work. As soon as I do, I'm opening myself up to the stupid "how are you FEELING" small talk. I hate small talk as it is, this is just worse. It was like when we were wedding planning. That was all anyone could think to talk about and it got SOOOO irritating.

6 weeks

From babycenter.com

This week's major developments: The nose, mouth, and ears that you'll spend so much time kissing in eight months are beginning to take shape. If you could see into your uterus, you'd find an oversize head and dark spots where your baby's eyes and nostrils are starting to form. His emerging ears are marked by small depressions on the sides of the head, and his arms and legs by protruding buds. His heart is beating about 100 to 160 times a minute — almost twice as fast as yours — and blood is beginning to course through his body. His intestines are developing, and the bud of tissue that will give rise to his lungs has appeared. His pituitary gland is forming, as are the rest of his brain, muscles, and bones. Right now, your baby is a quarter of an inch long, about the size of a lentil.

Boob Design!

Got my Boob Design mom and baby twinset in the mail today! I'm so excited. It couldn't have come at a better time. 

Tags still on and everything! Can't wait to wear the shirt and be showing!

D is for...

Previous weeks: A, B, C

Week of Jan 22-28

C is for...

Previous weeks: A, B

Week of Jan 15-21

Cute twin names

Josh and I were talking last night and he really loves the name Eva for a girl (from Wall-E). I suggested Eva and Wally for twin B/G. How awesome would that be? Josh would totally jump all over that lol.

KMFX I'll get an u/s soon! I wanna see my baby.

About abortion

Found this on my birth board on babycenter.com. I didn't write it but I loved it. I am pro-choice but I don't agree with abortion, however, a woman does have the right to her own body.

A worried woman went to her gynecologist and said:

'Doctor, I have a serious problem and desperately need your help! My baby is not even 1 year old and I'm pregnant again. I don't want kids so close together.'

So the doctor said: 'Ok and what do you want me to do?'

She said: 'I want you to end my pregnancy, and I'm counting on your help with this.'

The doctor thought for a little, and after some silence he said to the lady: 'I think I have a better solution for your problem. It's less dangerous for you too.'

She smiled, thinking that the doctor was going to accept her request.

Then he continued: 'You see, in order for you not to have to take care of 2 babies at the same time, let's kill the one in your arms. This way, you could rest some before the other one is born. If we're going to kill one of them, it doesn't matter which one it is. There would be no risk for your body if you chose the one in your arms.'

The lady was horrified and said: 'No doctor! How terrible! It's a crime to kill a child!'

'I agree', the doctor replied. 'But you seemed to be OK with it, so I thought maybe that was the best solution.'

The doctor smiled, realizing that he had made his point.

He convinced the mom that there is no difference in killing a child that's already been born and one that's still in the womb. The crime is the same!

Love says, 'I sacrifice myself for the good of the other person.' 

Abortion says, 'I sacrifice the other person for the good of myself.'

I have a doctor!

Yay, remember the doctor I posted about here and here? Well I got a call back from my Dr. office and he will take me. I just need to call and make an appt myself. I'll call asap on monday.

So stoked. I really hope this Dr. will be a good fit for me. If not, then I'll check out some of the women Dr.'s around here.

Telling my parents

We told my parents today.

Video gets good at about 45 seconds. Make sure you turn it up but turn it down as you get close to the end or your eardrums will be blasted by my laugh.

Dr. appt and this pregnancy so far vs. last

Last time:
found out at 4w6d
Dr. appt at 5w4d (BFN) needed blood test
had drank some water before appt and peed max. 2 hours before
took 2 HPTs with BFPs with FMU
sore nipples and growing cramps (only symptoms) by miscarriage at 8 weeks
spotting started after having sex, went away and came back

This time:
found out at 4w4d (ish)
Dr. appt at 5w1d (strong BFP)
had not peed since 6am (appt at 10am)
taken countless HPTs: some with FMU, some right after drinking a ton of water
sore nipples, extreme hunger and just overall feeling different (at 5w1d)
not having sex until out of first trimester at least

I feel like this pregnancy is off to a good start. I hope it all ends well too. I hope to have the OB monitor my HCG levels for a few weeks.

My doctor referred me to the OB that I want and I'm waiting to hear if I will be able to see him throughout my pregnancy. I hope I will be able to. He's the one I talked about here. My GP won't send me for an U/S. He says that there's a reason we don't send people until 18 weeks up here... I was like "are you f__ing kidding me?" (in my head). I don't even know when I'm due. How can I cope right now not knowing when I will hit 8 weeks and get past the point I miscarried last time? Right now I've got about a 2 week span that I'm going to be nervous. It'd be nice if that 2 weeks was only one week... Maybe this OB will give me an U/S. Hope hope hope! I really expect he will. M got one and she knew when he last AF had showed but she got it for dating purposes.

5 weeks

In the pic above, I don't think I look too much different. There's a 2lb difference in my weight (2lb less in my pregnancy picture). I don't think I'm too bloated but that's the main thing I wanted to check. I'll probably do a lot of these comparison pictures. I'm definitely not a skinny girl and have always had tummy pudge so that's what it is in the pictures.

4 weeks

5 weeks

Wish List Wednesday: Baby Edition 2

Today on wishlist wednesday I wish for one thing:

my healthy rainbow baby <3

Boob Design

Remember how I posted this about the giveaway I won? Well because I got my BFP so soon after winning, I emailed the lady back and requested this set instead.

Isn't it adorable? I asked for an XL instead of a L because I didn't manage to lose more weight before getting pregnant. 

Here's hoping I've got a sticky bean inside me. I sure do feel different, that's for sure.

Spirit Baby

Thanks to Kyla for letting me repost this.

~Chapter Excerpt from Part IV of Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife
~Spirit Baby

"Colin, my twelve-year-old son, discovered me late one rainy afternoon sitting at the kitchen table, a damp Kleenex crumpled in my left hand, wiping my eyes as I tried to compose myself for his sake. It was the third week of January, two months after I'd miscarried a pregnancy, but I still found it impossible to get through a day without at least one meltdown into misery.

Stunned w hen the test came back positive, Rog and I had stared at each other with doubt and ambivalence. At forty-one, my professional life consumed me. I'd just achieved what some had predicted was an impossibility: I'd been granted delivery privileges at Alta Bates, and as a consequence, my midwifery practice burgeoned. Some months I delivered twelve babies, and no one ever knew if or when I'd be home. Rog, too, felt stretched to his limits, keeping his business afloat while picking up the slack for my frequent unscheduled absences. Colin and Jill approached their challenging adolescent years. How could we fit an infant into our lives? But when I lost the pregnancy and all hope for resolution dissolved with my tears, I fell in love with the baby that was not to be.

Colin asked, "Are you crying about the baby?" and when I nodded tearfully, he said, "Well, you just have to have another one, Mom, because it's a Spirit Baby, and you should be its mother."

I must have looked puzzled because he said, "Don't you know about Spirit Babies? How could I know about them if you don't? I mean, you're my mom!" But he could see my perplexity.

So my first child, this not-yet-teenaged boy, pulled a wooden chair to my side and draped his thin arm across my shoulders, saying, "Well, Mom, here's how it is. See, I was one myself, so that must be how I know. Anyway, every woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every month, one of those babies is first in line. If she gets pregnant, then that's the baby that's born. If she doesn't get pregnant, the baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pregnant but something bad happens before the baby's born…now listen, Mom, because here's the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month, it's always first in line. Isn't that great?

"So you just have to get pregnant again, and you'll have the same Spirit Baby. If you don't, though, then the baby circle will just beam that little Spirit Baby over to some other woman's circle, and it'll be first in line for her. It keeps being first in line somewhere until it finally gets born.

"But it'd be a shame for you not to have it yourself, because I know how much you want it. So you just have to try again. Mom, remember that baby you lost before I was born?" I nodded wordlessly. "Well, that was me. Really. I've always known I was a Spirit Baby. I mean, I know what I'm talking about here, Mom."

In spite of Colin's certainty that our household, so often bordering on chaos, lacked only an infant to make things perfect, Rog and I demurred. But Colin didn't give up and even enlisted his sister's support. Driving with them in the car one evening, I looked at my son in the passenger seat beside me. He stared out the side window and tried to hide his tears, but I saw the flush on his face, the shaking of his shoulders, and the surreptitious swipe of hand across cheek.

Six months had passed since my miscarriage, and I had just finished yet another discussion in which I'd told my pleading son that having a third baby at my age was out of the question. I reached over the space between us and squeezed his fingers. "Colin, I don't understand this passion you have for a baby. Why do you want one so much?"

He tore his gaze from the distant hills and looked at me with swimming eyes and trembling lips. In a choking voice, he put all of his twelve-year-old passion into his reply.

"Oh, Mom! Oh. Just for the joy of it!"

Jill stretched forward from the back seat and placed a hand on each of our shoulders. "Yeah, Mom, just for the joy of it."

It was my turn to look out the side window and struggle with misty vision.
So, at a time when most women eye the empty nest at the end of their branch on the family tree with something approaching relief, I gave consideration to laying just one more egg. Several months of discussions peppered with doubt and disbelief followed. Although Rog and I made the final decision, there's no denying that a big part of our decision to have a third child began with the insistence of our adolescent children that we "needed a baby in the house." Rog and I took a deep breath, looked at each other across the blond heads of those two wishful children, swallowed – and made a giant leap of faith.
I conceived my Spirit Baby a week later. Just for the joy of it." (End)

Testin' strong

Still feeling like it isn't real so I've been testing over and over again with ovulation tests (all show positive of course). My bigger clear blue test didn't work this morning. Not even a control line showed up. It was weird. The other one better work or I'm calling them and requesting new ones.

I really think the timing on this pregnancy couldn't be much better. I feel like this baby will be my take home baby but I still can't help but worry.

I really don't want to feel cheated again like I felt after my miscarriage. I never got to experience a worry free pregnancy. At least with this one I NEED an u/s for dating so I will know early on that the pregnancy is viable. I know you're not out of the woods at that point, but it will make me feel better.

Babycenter.com is DRAMA. One lady posted about being positive but the comments she made were a slap in the face to those of us who've needed the BB for support through worrying times. She doesn't want to see posts about people worrying but really...? Don't read them imo. I hope she gets fed up and leaves. Doesn't sound like she's got many people on her side.

I'm part of a facebook group for September 2012 moms. It's a private group and the ladies in there all seem like great people. I never built any relationships except with one person in the December 2011 board. A lot of us who miscarried bonded through another group after our miscarriages but before that I hadn't bonded with anyone. The one person I bonded with (outside of the miscarriage support group) miscarried as well and I posted about her a long time ago. We still communicate. She unfortunately due to life wasn't able to try again like a lot of us but she's still happy for me. I hope she gets her rainbow soon!

I hope to have morning sickness with this baby. It will make things feel very opposite my last pregnancy and I really feel that I need that right now. It will let me know that things are headed in the right direction. Nips still sore which is good news :) Tummy feelin' weird but not bad crampy or stretch crampy (although I can't remember what that feels like atm).

I'm gonna go by my due date I'm guessing until the doctor tells me differently. So I'm in week 4 day 5 atm.

Private blog/Paranoia

Anyone who wants to read my letters to my baby blog (been writing since pre-conception), email me at ak.streeper@gmail.com or post a comment here and I'll send you an invite. I'll need your email address though. I don't want real life people reading it, that's why it's private.

I'm worried that I'm gonna go to the Dr. and he's gonna tell me that I'm not actually pregnant. I was so sure last time that I was that he sent me for a blood test even when his pee test said I wasn't. I just need to remember that I have the same nip soreness as last time.

I'm also worried that I'm not gonna make it to 40 weeks and end up with a baby. But there's nothing I can do there so I've got to take it one day at a time. The week flew by last week so I hope a few more fly by quickly so that I can get past my 8 week miscarriage spot. I won't relax much until I get past that and then once I get to the 2nd trimester I'll feel so much better too.

Guess what?!

I had two dreams last night that I tested and found out I was pregnant. I was so scared to test this morning. I was thinking.... damn the world is really cruel to me. I've never seen two lines on this test. It's gonna be negative, blah blah blah!

BUT IT WAS POSITIVE!

Josh has no idea! He's sitting across from me

As soon as he goes out I'll put this on his desktop.

This is the one I'm replacing. How long do you think it will take him to notice?

Edit: It took him about 15 minutes to notice it. He said, 

"Love, you changed my ticker"

"Yeah"

"Is it true?"

"Yeah"

LOL

Edit #2: I'm still pregnant. OPK tested like a pregnancy test registered a fainter line (expected since not FMU). That's two positives. We've got two more clearblue tests to use tomorrow morning and another time. I just wanna go into the Dr. telling him, yes I've gotten two BFPs (at least) so I can prove to him that even if a urine test is negative, that they should do a blood test.

Please if you know me in real life don't mention this to anyone or even say it to me at all. I don't want to know who knows. I'll be telling family at about 12 weeks probably.

Great way to tell

WHEN I get pregnant, I thought of a great way to tell the secretary at my work if I can keep news quiet until 20ish weeks.

I'm gonna go up to her and tell her that one of the kids kicked me today. And she'll probably be like "OMG who? Go tell ____! What did you do?" And then I'll take her hand and put it on my belly and say "this one!"

She will be so happy.

Soreness day 3.... testing tomorrow am....KMFX I really hope this could be it.

Poison

The coroner's report on my cousin came back. He was poisoned. The ecstasy was laced with PMMA which apparently is far more deadly than the normal crap that's put into E.

Google It
Connecting Alberta and BC deaths

I just don't understand this world we live in.

16 and Pregnant

People talk all the time about watching teen mom so I'm going back and watching 16 and pregnant which apparently is where all the teen moms came from.

It's kinda torture but at least I know that our baby will have a better life than some of the girls on 16 and pregnant who have to deal with parents telling them what to do lol.

Soreness?

Idk what I've talked about before and whether or not I've talked about things guys might not want to read.... but if you're male, you might want to stop reading... if there's any of you out there.

My boobs got sore today. I just realized it when I got in my PJ's it was not necessarily whole boob soreness that is like AF showing up but more the nipple soreness that I experienced that clued me in to something being different before I got my BFP last time. I'm HOPING that either AF will show soon if it's her knocking on the door or else I will test and actually get a BFP with my last HPT I have. I bought some from early-pregnancy-tests.com after my miscarriage because I knew I'd want to test. In 8.5 months of irregular periods I've used 2 OPKs (more to see if I was interpreting symptoms to be preg when they were actually ovulation) and 14/15 HPTs.

I'm hoping it's preg instead of AF but I'll monitor the soreness for a while. Maybe it's something I did recently that caused it, maybe it's AF, but either way I don't want to get my hopes up and get another negative HPT.

I'm hoping I just took my last test too early because it's just been 2 weeks since the last time we DTD (I got depressed and haven't let DH near me like that since that point).

Please send me lots of patience. I'll test sunday if the symptoms stick around.... If it's really AF, please wish for her to show up before sunday so I don't have to deal with another BFN... that's 14 BFN's in 8.5 months so far...

As a side note, I'm remembering some cramping recently but I just assumed it probably was food related.

B is for...

Previous weeks: A

Week of Jan 8-14

The pickup I needed

Remember this post about this giveaway? Well...

I WON! :)

I told them I want this set: (Open all Hours/Always up for Snack)

But I'd prefer to have this set: (Fast Food/Food Now)

But they didn't have this one in a large. Even though I'm losing weight, I don't know what I'll gain while pregnant and how much more I'll lose before getting pregnant.

I'm just hoping the large is big enough when I get there.

I'M SO EXCITED!

Now I just need a baby!

I can't wait for this to arrive in the mail!

What song was #1 the day you were born?

The Game:
1) Find out the song that was #1 the week you were born.
2) Go to this site to find out which song: http://www.joshhosler.biz/
3) Find that song on YouTube.
4) Post that video on your wall (with or without shame.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s053o8GAHo4

Post in comments if you do it too! I'm curious. P.S. My song ROCKS!

Feeling really down

CD 33 and BFN this morning. I won't get my christmas rainbow baby.

I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm not a machine but in order to actually conceive (if I'm even having cycles where I ovulate), I'd basically need to start baby dancing when AF leaves and keep going until she shows again. I can't do it. It's too much for me.

I don't know if I want to take a break. I want a break from this heartache of AF not showing and irregular cycles. I know, though, if I were to take a break, every time we baby dance I'd be still hoping that we'd conceive. I'd basically need to go cold turkey. No baby dancing. It's not fun anymore because of all the depressing cycle business.

I'm seriously gonna go into the Dr. and demand he either talks to me about other options like clomid or puts me on BC to regulate AF. BBZfa if you're reading this, how long were you TTC before your Dr. put you on clomid? Did you ask him for it?

It's been 8 months, 1 week and 5 days since my miscarriage and I haven't stopped hoping every month for my rainbow baby.

On the upside, aside from wanting to cry because this is so stupid, I'm glad I have a little longer to try get further below 200. Maybe if I get far enough below it, I won't have to go back up into the 200's when I get pregnant.

A is for...

Week of Jan 1-7

Book

This is a book I just got in the mail today. I ordered it christmas day. I'm excited to read it. We're "trying again" and one of the reviewers said that the book didn't make her feel dumb for mourning "just a miscarriage".

I'm hoping the pregnancy part will apply to me sooner rather than later. We're approaching the time where I've only got a few cycles to be pregnant before the date I miscarried last year.

Happy birthday...

... Louis Braille. You created a fantastic code for people who are visually impaired. You changed lives.

I vow...

...not to change my facebook profile picture to a picture of my baby or my ultrasound. My profile picture is supposed to be a picture of me.

However, pictures of me and my baby or me and my ultrasound picture are not off limits. My timeline picture may be changed to a picture like that though :)

My profile picture will only be changed to something like that if I'm announcing our pregnancy.

I will not lose my identity by having a child or becoming pregnant.

My family made the news :(

The news did a story about someone who is in the hospital because of ecstasy. It only took them three deaths to finally put this on the news... :( My aunt and uncle were interviewed.

http://www.ctvbc.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20120102/bc_abbostford_ecstasy_new_years_eve_120102/20120102/?hub=BritishColumbiaHome

Blogger's Giveaway

Come enter this awesome giveaway of a mama & baby twinset at The Art of Making a Baby.

Click the link for more info. Trust me, the giveaway ROCKS!

I love babycenter.com

Thanks to babycenter.com I found my all time favourite crib I've ever seen!!

Check this site out for more pictures and colours and such.

If you think about how much you'd spend even at IKEA on a crib, change table, toddler bed and full sized bed, I think this is a great deal.

At IKEA (cheapest):

SNIGLAR crib: $79.99

SNIGLAR change table: $29.99

SNIGLAR toddler bed: $59.99

FJELLSE full sized bed: $49.00

TOTAL: $218.97

At IKEA (ones I want):

HENSVIK crib: $139.99

HENSVIK shelf plus change table top: $129.00 + $30.00

GULLIVER toddler bed: $149.00

BRIMNES full sized bed: $129.00

TOTAL: $576.99

Now even if you take the toddler beds out of the picture (because the side will come off the cribs) the cheapest set still comes to $158.98 and the set that I would get comes to $427.99. I would never get the cheapest set so really at the price that the convertible bed is, it`s a savings. Plus you only need to do slight adjustments through out the child's life to change it up.