All I want to do is...

... plan for a baby. Depressing, nuff said.

Ideas

This is what I'd like our office to have in it eventually.

This is what it looks like now.

What do you think about this? We've only got two bedrooms and not enough space for two computers to fit in the living/dining room so we've got to make do somehow.

Let me walk you through my imaginary office/nursery that I hope to have someday soon.

Enter the room. The closet hosts our server computer that runs our internet phone, some storage, and will probably hold baby clothes that are too big. Across the room are our desks. Small, compact and side by side. The bookshelves are the white ones from the above pictures and are sitting side by side, giving tons of book storage.

There is a curtain that parts in the middle (might be left open a bit most of the time). Through there you see the baby "room" :) On the left side is the diaper changing/storage area. We're going to have a wet bag where the genie is pictured. Under the change table (or over on a shelf) is our changing supplies. On the 2 stacked bookshelves (9 cubes in each shelf and they can be bolted together and to the wall to almost reach the ceiling) is toy storage and cloth diapers ready to go. Beside the heater is our baby's dresser holding clothes that fit, nursing blankets, etc. The crib is in the corner and our glider is next to the curtain.

Josh says he's worried about the rays from the computers. I say to that, that the server could be moved and we can turn off our computers when not in use. I also plan on using a bassinet in the bedroom until the baby starts sleeping through the night.

Anyone out there have any thoughts?

Sims 3 and Pregnancy

I wish pregnancy in real life could be like in the Sims. We would...

• get pregnant the first time we tried
• not get pregnant if we weren't trying
• go through a trimester each day
• have no miscarriages
• fertility treatments would increase the NUMBER of babies born, not just make it possible for people who are infertile to have kids
• there would be no infertility
• and... if there were miscarriages, after 1 day, we'd be out of the woods

Thinking happy thoughts...

I'm going shopping with our friends and hubby tomorrow. We're going to a store downtown and then we're headed a few hours away to go to a cool store and probably the big mall. I'm excited.

In a few weeks we should be headed to ikea too :) I can't wait to buy a bookshelf and some other things.

Losing a battle

I feel like my miscarriage made me lose out on the last 8 months of what my life could have been. I still feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and losing month after month of my life. It's really upsetting to think that if I were still pregnant I would have a baby in a month and a week.

I want to move on from this. I want AF to show regularly so I can feel like for once in the last 8 months, I'm winning a battle.

I know when I get pregnant again I will feel cheated. It will almost 100% be in 2012 or later and it's just not fair. I've lived through knowing I was pregnant and going through the next 8 months of my life. I will have to re-live an entire pregnancy. Why don't I get rewarded for it? Why is there no baby for me? Why do I have to do a do-over?

P.S. AF is so unregular. Light pink tinge Thursday night. A bit on the TP Fri morning and almost nothing throughout yesterday and a bit on the TP this morning. I would think that if my body is going to regulate itself without medical help that it would start with a regular AF (my last one in Aug was normalish for me).

It was AF

Seems to be a full blown visit from Aunt Flo today.

The depressing part about it is this...

... my app seems to think my next cycle will be 76 days as well.

I'm going to my Dr. on Tuesday and telling him that AF showed but I'd still like to go on BC if nothing seems to point towards ovulation by 3 weeks in. We were thinking I'd need to go on some sort of anti anxiety medication or something earlier in the year and my dad deals with medication for similar things. It gets depressing not knowing anything about my cycle. If I go on BC, even for two months, it would still get me regular (probably) in less time than this last ONE cycle took.

Google

It's kinda cool. Someone got led to my blog by searching KMFX (which means keep my fingers crossed) on google. That's so neat.

IB or AF?

If IB happens a few days after ovulation (and therefore BD) it would be pretty good timing now if this pinkish tinge is IB. I haven't noticed any EWCM lately so I really think this is AF. I can still keep my fingers crossed though.

Cycle one after MC was 107 days counting from the day my MC was confirmed (April 28).
Cycle two so far is 76 days. I'm hoping this is IB but AF would be okay too.

Dreams

I had the most vivid dream about having a baby last night.

I remember I was pregnant and I started getting contractions so I went to a hospital. When I got there I checked in and got a room. A solo room, even. My hubby wasn't there for some reason and my hospital room was right down the hall in the school I work in... weird... My water broke and I couldn't handle the contraction pain so I got an epidural. I'm not sure how they really work but in my dream I got a numbing needle which hurt a ton and then the actual epidural didn't hurt at all. There were no nurses in the room at all and just one male doctor. As soon as I had the baby the doctor wiped her off and left because my delivery wasn't exciting enough and he was pissed off that I delivered naturally. Then my husband came in and we named our baby girl Emma...

It was weird. I've never had a dream like that before. If I believed in signs then I'd think something of this. We DTD (or BD) last night for the first time in like two weeks.

One year

Today marks one year that my husband has been living in Canada. The year just seems like it flew by... Wow

BFN, BFN and blood work

I've gotten 2 BFN's this week on days I suspected I should test. I also went to the Dr. hoping he'd put me back on birth control and he just sent me for blood work. He also won't put me on BC until mid november. There goes ANY chance of getting PG before my due date.

Cycle 2...

Technically we're on cycle #2 of TTC, yet we've been TTC since my M/C which was almost 5.5 months ago. This is getting stupid. I'm hoping that this is the cycle that either gets us pregnant again or this is the cycle that starts me back on a normal 29 day cycle.

Apparently, with my temperature changes, my app thinks that I was fertile recently, but we'll see what happens there. That would mean that I'm in the TWW and should be expecting AF, or a BFP within a week.

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem, almost too much to handle, When 24 Hours in a day is not enough, Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar And proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students..., if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open Areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.' The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. 'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - family, children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions – Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else --The small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' He continued, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, You will never have room for the things that are important to you. So... Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play With your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. 'Take care of the golf balls first -- The things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.' One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked'. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.' Please share this with other "Golf Balls" I just did.

This is post #100 :)

Maternity Doctors

My friend M just had a her 2nd baby at the beginning of September and had one the previous August as well. I was talking to her about her doctor and I think I'd like him to be my maternity doctor when I get there again.

She said that with any spotting, he sent her for an u/s and that's something I'll feel better with. Also, she seems to think that he will send me for an u/s first thing to find out when the baby is due. That's also something I'd feel better with.

He delivered her and her two babies and I'll definitely be making an appointment with him when I get my BFP.

Whale or Mermaid?

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was “This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?”

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

“Dear people,

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.

They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.

They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish? They would have no sex life and could not bear children. Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad. And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I’d rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn’t enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.

We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.

Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: “How amazing am I?!"

-Written by Delphine Fieburg

The girl on the picture is French model Tara Lynn

Butting heads...

I feel like I'm butting heads with a coworker. I tried giving ideas today and I felt so shot down like she wasn't willing to hear my ideas and take them seriously. I HATE HATE HATE being a young one.